Monday, November 10, 2014

Long Lost Seinfeld Script / Episode Found!


SEINFELD: "Four Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest." 
1998 (Unproduced)  

                         
ACT ONE

SCENE A


EXT. COFFEE SHOP—ESTABLISHING SHOT—RAINY MORNING

George walks briskly through the rain, holding a newspaper over his head. He hurries to catch the door, which is being held open for him by a customer. He looks back. A man can be seen in the distance, hurrying to catch up. George enters the coffee shop, deciding not to hold the door.

CUT TO:
INT. COFFEE SHOP

George joins a line at the counter. He rubs his hands together to warm up. The door opens, causing a bell to ring. George looks over. The man who was behind him outside enters, soaking wet. He's a grizzled man in a cowboy hat. An unpleasant expression marks his face. He approaches George. 

MAN 
                         (IN A VOICE REMINISCENT OF DIRTY HARRY)  I don't care for you.

GEORGE
                         Excuse me?

MAN
                         I said, I don't care for you. Now git!

GEORGE
                         (OUTRAGED) What did I ever do to you!?

MAN 
                         You didn't hold the door.

GEORGE
                         (EXASPERATED)  Hold on, now! I looked, you must have been too far away.
                         I always hold the door.

MAN   
                         What do you mean, "too far away"? You're supposed to hold the door for the
                         person behind ya, especially in the rain.

GEORGE
                         (RAISES VOICE) Do you actually think I looked behind me, saw you there and then thought
                         to myself, "Gee I don't think I'll hold the door"? Do I look like the type of person who would
                         do something like that!? (FLARES) Oh no! I always hold the door! I'm a door-holder, no
                         question about it!

MAN 
                         You're a very unthoughtful young man.

GEORGE 
                         So now I'm unthoughtful, is that it!? Do you expect me to wait by the door until the next
                         person comes along, regardless of how far away they are? (SHAKES HEAD) Oh no—there's                                  gotta be people like me to draw the line! There's gotta be a cutoff!

MAN
                         I'm sorry we don't see eye to eye, young feller. (STEPS IN FRONT OF GEORGE) Do you
                         feel lucky, punk?
George gulps.
                         Well, do ya?


SCENE B


CUT TO:
EXT. JERRY'S APT.—ESTABLISHING SHOT—MIDDAY

CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S APT.

Jerry is in his kitchen drinking a bottle of water. He leafs through a newspaper on the counter. The buzzer rings. He walks over to the door and presses the speaker button.

JERRY 
                         Yeah?

GEORGE (OS)
                         It's me.

JERRY  
                         Come on up. (OPENS DOOR)

Jerry walks back to the kitchen. He takes out his wallet and begins counting his money. 

Enter George. 


GEORGE  
                         Hey!

Jerry continues counting.

                         What are you doing?

JERRY
                         (FINISHING) Counting my money.

GEORGE  
                         What for?

JERRY
                         To see how much money I have—what else?

GEORGE
                         (ROLLS EYES) I mean, why? You going on a trip or something?

JERRY
                         No. I have to see if I have enough to pay my rent.

GEORGE
                         What!? What happened to all your money?

JERRY
                         All my money!? I haven't had a decent gig in months. (PAUSE) I think I'm going
                         to have to get a job!

GEORGE
                         Well it's about time!

JERRY
                         (IGNORING HIM) What am I going to do? I'm not qualified for anything.

GEORGE
                         (POINTS ENTHUSIASTICALLY) A trash man!

JERRY  
                         What?

GEORGE
                         You could be a trash man.

JERRY
                         (MATTER OF FACT) No—I'm not qualified. (PAUSE) I've never had a real job before.

GEORGE 
                         Neither has Kramer. Ask him how he does it.

JERRY
                         He comes over here and eats my food—that's how he does it.

Short pause.

GEORGE
                         (REMEMBERING) Hey! You're never going to believe what happened to me this morning.

JERRY
                         What?

GEORGE
                         I was down by the new place I've been telling you about. (THINKING) Terry's Bakery.
                         Have you been there yet? They have the best blueberry muffins. They put these blueberry
                         swirls on top with the. . .

JERRY
                         (INTERRUPTING) Alright!

GEORGE
                         Sorry. . .  (ROLLS EYES) Annnyway. . .  It was pouring down rain, so I was hurrying to get
                         inside. I opened the door and looked behind me to see if I should hold the door, but there
                         wasn't anybody there except for some guy who was really far away, so I went in.

JERRY
                         You didn't hold?

GEORGE
                         No holding. There was no holding. I had no obligation to hold.

JERRY
                         Could you tell if he was going to come inside?

GEORGE
                         No. He was hurrying, but he could have been going anywhere.

JERRY
                         He was hurrying? Well, that changes everything!

GEORGE
                         (WAVES FINGER) Oh no. It was raining. Everyone was hurrying.

JERRY
                         I still think you should have held.

GEORGE
                         Can I finish my story?

Jerry holds out his hand, giving him the floor.

                         The same man who was behind me comes in a few seconds later. He's wearin' cowboy boots,
                         a cowboy hat. . .  He looked like someone right out of a Western. So we start arguing about
                         the door. I told him, "You have to draw a line somewhere, otherwise it would never end."

JERRY
                         Sure. You could be holding the door for hours.

GEORGE
                         (POINTS ENTHUSIASTICALLY) Exactly! So then all of the sudden he steps in front of me and
                         says he's going to "take care of me" if I don't give him my wallet for his trouble.

JERRY
                         (REMINISCENT OF DIRTY HARRY) Well, did ya?

GEORGE
                         Of course! He threatened my life!

JERRY
                         (NONCHALANT) That's a shame.

Kramer slides in.

KRAMER
                         (TO JERRY) Got any peanuts?

JERRY
                         Check the cupboard. (TO GEORGE) See?

George and Jerry watch as Kramer searches through the cupboard, spilling cereal and various other things before finally pulling out a jar of peanuts. 

KRAMER
                         (HOLDS UP JAR) Giddyup!

Kramer exits. George and Jerry look at each other, bewildered. 

JERRY
                         Well, I gotta get going.

GEORGE
                         Where are you going!? We're supposed to have lunch, remember?

JERRY
                         I have to look for a job. (MOCKING) Remember?

George shakes his head, disappointed. 

Enter Kramer. He walks over to the refrigerator and takes out lunch meat and mayonnaise. 

JERRY
                         Will you take it easy on my food! I'm running low on money right now.

KRAMER
                         You want to borrow some money?

JERRY
                         (PUT OFF) No, I don't want to borrow money. What I need is to find a job.

KRAMER
                         Why do you need a job?

Jerry is dumbfounded. 

                         Now listen, Jerry. All you have to do is check yourself into a mental institution.
                         (EXCITED) It's the good life, I'm tellin' ya. They pay for everything: housing, food,
                         cable—you name it! And you can play games all day, meet all sorts of people.
                         (PAUSE) That's where I met Newman.

JERRY
                         Why am I not surprised? (PAUSE) So you mean to tell me you've actually done this before?

KRAMER
                         Well, sure. I used to do it all the time. Newman was having so much fun he decided to stay
                         a whole year after I left.

JERRY
                         You sure he had a choice?

Kramer takes out a bite of his sandwich and says something indiscernible.

GEORGE
                         (TO JERRY) So you're not going to go?

JERRY
                         Where?

GEORGE
                         To lunch.

JERRY
                         I told you, I have to—

GEORGE
                         (INTERRUPTING) Alright, alright. (PAUSE) Hey, Kramer—want to grab a bite to eat?

KRAMER
                         (EATING SANDWICH) Sure thing, George!

JERRY
                         (TO KRAMER, GESTURING TOWARD SANDWICH) Why. . .  Oh, never mind.

KRAMER
                         (TO GEORGE, MOUTH FULL) I'll meet you there. I have something I have to take care of first.

GEORGE
                         Alright. I'm heading there now. Don't be long.

Kramer nods.


SCENE C


CUT TO:
EXT. MONK'S CAFE—ESTABLISHING SHOT—LATER

CUT TO:
INT. MONK'S CAFE

George is sitting in a booth trying to balance the salt shaker on a few grains of salt. The huge pile of salt in front of him indicates that he isn't having much success. Frustrated, he dumps out more.

Enter Kramer.  

KRAMER
                         (TO GEORGE) Hey, buddy! (WALKS OVER)

George is still concentrating on balancing the salt shaker. 

GEORGE
                         (WITHOUT LOOKING UP) Hey.

Before sitting, Kramer picks up the salt shaker in front of George and places it at an angle on the salt where it balances. George is unamused. Kramer sits.

A waitress approaches. 

WAITRESS
                         What can I get for you today?

GEORGE
                         (TO WAITRESS) I'd like a coffee.

WAITRESS
                         Alright. (TURNS TO KRAMER)

KRAMER
                         Nothing for me, thanks.

WAITRESS
                         I'll be right back.

Exit waitress.

GEORGE
                         You're not going to get anything?

KRAMER
                         (DISTRACTED) I can't stay long.

GEORGE
                         Why not?

Kramer looks out the window behind him. 

GEORGE
                         Kramer! (NO RESPONSE) So what's with the peanuts?

KRAMER
                         (TURNS FORWARD) What?

GEORGE
                         Peanuts. Why was it so urgent for you to get peanuts from Jerry's?

KRAMER
                         Oh. They're not for me. They're for Betsy.

GEORGE
                         Who?

KRAMER
                         Betsy. My elephant.

GEORGE
                         Your elephant!? Why on Earth do you have an elephant?

KRAMER
                         Well. . . The circus didn't have anyone to take care of her. They were desperate, George.
                         Their last trainer was just arrested for animal abuse, and I happened to be walking along
                         one day and saw Betsy standing there. I went over, started petting her on the trunk, tickling
                         her behind the ear, and a minute later the bearded lady came out and asked me if I wanted
                         to take care of her. I said no at first, but she persisted. Finally I made a great deal with them,
                         so I said yes. (LOOKS OUT WINDOW)

GEORGE
                         What did you get?

KRAMER
                         (EXCITED) All the peanuts I can eat for a year!

GEORGE
                         That's it!?

KRAMER
                         Well. . .  Yeah.

GEORGE
                         Are they salted?

KRAMER
                         Well—I don't know. They just dropped them off. (PUTS HAND TO CHIN) Come to think
                         of it, I never asked. (PAUSE) Hey, I think they might have ripped me off! Good thinkin'
                         George; I better go find out. (STARTS TO GET UP)

A loud elephant squeal is heard. Kramer sits back down.

GEORGE
                         What was that!?

KRAMER
                         Uhhh. Betsy.

GEORGE
                         You brought it with you!?

KRAMER
                         Not exactly. I tied her to the fire hydrant.

GEORGE
                         The fire hydrant?

KRAMER
                         (CONFIDENT) Will you relax!

Betsy squeals again, followed by the sound of water spraying and people screaming. A few people, soaking wet, run inside the diner for cover. Kramer looks worried. Someone yells "Help me!" outside. A man enters.

MAN 
                         (ALARMED) There's an elephant out there on a rampage! It's smashing up cars and everything!

KRAMER
                         (SLOUCHING IN SEAT) That doesn't sound too good.

GEORGE
                         Aren't you going to do something!?

KRAMER
                         Are you crazy?! There's a wild elephant out there!

Sounds of metal and glass breaking.

Kramer and George remain seated. Both feel guilty for not attempting to help the people outside. George can't stand the awkwardness for long. 

GEORGE
                         I've gotta use the bathroom. (GETS UP)

Pounds of salt fall from his lap. 


ACT TWO

SCENE A


CUT TO:
BUSY STREET—MORNING (DAY 2)

Jerry, shot from the waist up, is looking down at something offscreen. He's wearing a gray shirt. He begins to lift something but stops after a voice calls his name.

The Maestro enters left.  


MAESTRO
                         Jerry?

Jerry looks up.

JERRY
                         Oh. (SHEEPISH) Hello.

MAESTRO
                         How are things, Jerry?

JERRY
                         Not too bad, Bob.

MAESTRO
                         It's Maestro.

JERRY
                         (ROLLS HIS EYES) Oh, right. Excuse me—maestro.

MAESTRO
                         (POINTS TO JERRY'S OUTFIT) What's with the get-up?

JERRY
                         (STALLING) Well. . .

A truck horn sounds.

                         (QUICKLY) Sorry I can't talk longer, Bob—gotta run!

Wide shot. We see a trashcan sitting between Jerry and The Maestro. Jerry lifts the can, dumps it into the back of a nearby trash truck, puts the can back on the curb, then hops onto the back of the vehicle, which drives away. The Maestro shakes his head.


SCENE B


CUT TO:
EXT. JERRY'S APT—ESTABLISHING SHOT—MIDDAY

CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S APT.

Jerry changes out of his dirty trash man uniform and puts on his coat. Kramer and George enter. 

KRAMER
                         Hey buddy! Where you headed?

JERRY
                         I'm going to visit Elaine in the hospital.

GEORGE
                         The hospital!? What happened?

JERRY
                         . . . She was attacked by an elephant on her way to lunch!

George and Kramer exchange a conspiratorial look.

JERRY
                         (MISREADING THEIR RESPONSE) I'm not kidding.

Kramer glances around the room sheepishly, avoiding eye contact with Jerry.

GEORGE
                         No, it's not that. It's just. . .
Pause.
JERRY
                         Well then, what is it, George? I'm kinda in a hurry here. . .

GEORGE
                         (QUICKLY) Is she okay?

JERRY
                         She's going to be fine. (OPENS THE DOOR) You guys comin'?

GEORGE
                         I guess we better.

Kramer looks at George and nods.


SCENE C


CUT TO:
EXT. HOSPITAL—ESTABLISHING SHOTLATER

CUT TO:
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM

Elaine is asleep in the middle of a room with three beds. Her head is bandaged. Bed right, a middle-aged man reads a magazine. Bed left, Newman sits gleefully eating a giant bowl of hospital Jell-o. 

Elaine wakes up. She looks over and sees Newman.

ELAINE
                         What are you doing here? Where am I?

NEWMAN
                         I was hit by a car; you're in the hospital.

ELAINE
                         The hospital!?

NEWMAN
                         That's right.

ELAINE
                         How did that happen?

NEWMAN
                         Well, if you must know, I was walking along, minding my own business, when
                         all of the sudden a man jumped out from behind a tree. He stood right in front
                         of me wearing a long gray trench coat, and he. . . Well, he opened it up and
                         flashed me! I was so startled I ran right out into the road and got hit by a car.
                         (EASES HEAD TO PILLOW) I reported the incident to the police after it was all
                         over. Apparently this flasher has been a nuisance in the area for a long time.
                         (DISDAINFULLY) Ohh! I can't wait until they catch the creep! (SINISTER LAUGH) 

ELAINE
                         No, I meant how did I get here?

Newman's smile evaporates.

NEWMAN
                         Oh. I don't know. (DISINTERESTED) Something about an elephant.

The man on the other side of Elaine starts to mumble. 

MAN
                         (SOFTLY) What are you going to do when they catch him, fatty? I've got to get out
                         of here. My head hurts. I hope Cindy brings some more cookies tonight. Only if
                         they're chocolate chip. I don't like the peanut butter ones.

ELAINE
                         What's with him? (POINTS TO MAN)

NEWMAN
                         Oh, he's a think-out-louder.

ELAINE
                         A what?

NEWMAN
                         A think-out-louder. You know, he thinks out loud instead of to himself. I stopped paying
                         attention to him weeks ago.

ELAINE
                         Weeks!? How long have you been here?

NEWMAN
                         Two months. It takes a long time to recover from a pulled hamstring you know! (SINISTER
                         LAUGH)

Enter Jerry, George, and Kramer. They exchange hellos with Elaine. Jerry turns, catching sight of Newman. 

NEWMAN
                         Hello. . .  Jerry.

JERRY
                         Hello. . .  Newman.

KRAMER 
                         (TO NEWMAN) Hey buddy.

Kramer walks over to Newman's bed. They chat in the background. George and Jerry make their way to Elaine.

JERRY
                         Are you all right? (IN DISBELIEF) An elephant!?

ELAINE
                         (SHAKING HEAD) I know, right? I'm fine. I just need a little time to rest.

GEORGE
                         I'm really sorry about what happened.

ELAINE
                         Sorry? Why should you be sorry?

GEORGE
                         (REALIZING HIS MISTAKE) Oh. No reason. That's just something people say—you know.

ELAINE
                         (TO JERRY) My memory keeps going in and out. I think they're going to keep me here a few
                         days so they can run some tests. . .

MAN
                         Someone stinks.

Jerry and George turn to the man in the adjacent bed. 

JERRY
                         (TO ELAINE) What's his problem?

ELAINE
                         He's a think-out-louder.

JERRY AND GEORGE
                         Ohhh.

CUT TO NEWMAN'S BED.

Kramer is laughing when we join him. Elaine, Jerry and George talk in the background. 

KRAMER
                         (TO NEWMAN) That's the same thing my friend Bob Sacamano said!

Newman laughs.

                         (MOVING CLOSER) Hey, I was wondering if you would be interested in fifteen-hundred
                         pounds of peanuts. . . They're really taking up space at my place. I can't eat them as fast
                         as I thought!

NEWMAN
                         Are they salted?

KRAMER
                         (DISGUSTED) Nope.

NEWMAN
                         Well. . .  Since they're free—I suppose.

KRAMER
                         (EXCITED) I'll be right back! (TO GEORGE) George! C'mon buddy. I'm gonna need your help.

George turns reluctantly from Elaine's bed.

KRAMER
                         George!

George walks over.

GEORGE
                         (PUT OUT) What is it?

KRAMER
                         I need help carrying some peanuts for Newman.

GEORGE
                         Haven't those peanuts caused enough harm already?

KRAMER
                         It'll only take a second!

George looks at Kramer distrustfully.

                         C'mon, George! I need your help!

George thinks.

                         Help me get rid of them. Please!

GEORGE
                         All right, all right! I'll meet you down there. Lemme go see Elaine first. 

KRAMER
                         (CONCERNED) You're not going to tell her, are you?

GEORGE
                         Of course I'm not going to tell her! We just got here. I want to talk to her before I leave,
                         alright? Just give me a minute.

KRAMER
                         I'll be in the lobby. (WALKS OUT)

George returns to Elaine's bed where Jerry is trying to cheer her up.

JERRY
                         (TO ELAINE) And you can count on that!

ELAINE
                         (WARMLY) Thanks, Jerry.

An awkward pause. Elaine and Jerry look at George, making him even more uncomfortable.

GEORGE
                         (TO ELAINE) So what happened, exactly?

ELAINE
                         Well—

MAN
                         (INTERRUPTING) Baldy's back. 

George can't quite believe what he just heard. He glares at the man, who continues:

                         (SOFTLY) Imagine the genes this guy's parents must've had. Bald, fat, myopic. . .

GEORGE
                         (TO MAN, STERNLY) Do you mind!? (LOOKING AROUND) Can someone get this guy outta
                         here already?

Jerry and Elaine try to suppress their amusement. 

MAN
                         What? What did I say!?

GEORGE
                         That's it—I'm leaving! I don't deserve to suffer through these indignities.

JERRY
                         Indignities?

GEORGE
                         That's right—indignities. Now if you'll excuse me, Kramer needs my help hauling a giant
                         sack of peanuts.

JERRY
                         (PUZZLED) What's with Kramer and the peanuts?

George is preoccupied. He turns to the side, pressing his shirt to his stomach.

GEORGE
                         (LOOKING UP AT JERRY AND ELAINE) Is "fat" a word that comes to mind when you think of me?

Jerry and Elaine look at each other. 

                         "Chubby," I can see—maybe. But "fat"? Really? Have I really reached—

JERRY
                         (INTERRUPTING) That's it—I'm leaving! I don't deserve to suffer through these indignities!


SCENE D


CUT TO:
EXT. HOSPITAL ESTABLISHING SHOT—NIGHT

CUT TO:
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM

Newman is watching television happily. The other two beds are now empty. Kramer and George enter the room. They're dragging a gigantic bag of peanuts behind them.

GEORGE  
                         (TO KRAMER) This is ridiculous! (LETS GO OF PEANUT BAG)

KRAMER
                         C'mon George!

George shakes his head. He grabs the bag. They tortuously pull it over to Newman's bed.  

NEWMAN
                         Ex-cellent!

KRAMER
                         (TO NEWMAN) That ought to get you started. Plenty more where that came from.

GEORGE
                         (LOOKING AROUND) Where's Elaine?

NEWMAN
                         They moved her.

GEORGE
                         Lucky for her.

Newman, elbow deep in the peanut bag, scowls.

KRAMER
                         (DISTRACTED) Alright. I've gotta get going. (POINTS OUTSIDE) There are some things I have
                         to take care of (BRINGS ARM TO NOSE IMITATING AN ELEPHANT TRUNK)

GEORGE
                         (REMEMBERING) Yes! Right. Better get to that.

KRAMER
                         (TO GEORGE) You're not coming!?

GEORGE
                         Are you kidding!? What could I possibly do? Call animal control or something.

KRAMER
                         (STALLING) I think I'm going to grab a bite to eat first. (TO GEORGE) Want anything?

GEORGE 
                         No thanks.

NEWMAN
                         (MOUTH FULL OF PEANUTS) What about me!?

George and Kramer give Newman a disapproving look. Kramer leaves. 

GEORGE
                         You really are enjoying yourself aren't you?

NEWMAN
                         (SHRUGS) They're not salted.

GEORGE
                         Not the peanuts! I mean here (POINTS TO BED). You've got people waiting on you.
                         You've got your television. You've . . .

NEWMAN
                         (INTERRUPTING) Oh—of course! And it's all free. In fact, I've been well for weeks!
                         (SINISTER LAUGH) I don't have to lift a finger.

Newman eyes the peanut bag, looks at George, then opens his mouth wide like a baby bird.

CU on George deep in thought. 
CUT BACK TO Newman—eyes closed, mouth agape. 


SCENE E


CUT TO:
EXT. KRAMER'S APT.—HALLWAY

Two clowns—one tall, one short—knock on Kramer's door. Kramer opens it. When he sees the clowns, he tries to shut the door quickly, but the tall one jams an oversized shoe in the crack. The short clown takes out a rubber bat. Kramer continues struggling for control of the door. 

SHORT CLOWN
                         We need to have a talk with you! We know what you did to Betsy! (TAPS RUBBER BAT
                         IN HAND)

Kramer's fear gives him the strength to close the door. We hear it lock. The clowns bang on it angrily.  



SCENE F

CUT TO:
EXT. HOSPITAL—ESTABLISHING SHOTNIGHT

CUT TO:
INT. HOSPITAL—NEWMAN'S ROOM

Newman is watching television and shelling peanuts. The bathroom door opens. George slowly emerges wearing a hospital gown. It's on backwards (tied in front). He walks over to Elaine's old bed and presses the nurse button. As he walks over he passes a huge mound of peanut shells (at least four feet tall) next to Newman's bed. George hops in bed and pulls up the covers. A beautiful nurse enters.

NURSE
                         Yes?

GEORGE
                         Could I get something to eat?

NURSE
                         Didn't you get any dinner?

GEORGE
                         No. I was in the bathroom. They must have forgot.

NURSE
                         Let me check your chart. (GETS CLIPBOARD) I don't remember you being—

GEORGE
                         (GRABS HIS SIDE, GASPING) Oh! There it goes! It's flaring again. Flaring!

The nurse presses her hand against George's forehead and begins to check his pulse.

NURSE
                         Are you all right?

GEORGE
                         Sugar. I need something to eat. Some cake or something.

NURSE
                         (LEAVING) I'll see what I can do.

GEORGE
                         Hurry! (GROANS)

Exit nurse.

George takes a deep breath and places his hands behind his head. He's loving life.  

GEORGE
                         I could get used to this!

Newman laughs.


ACT THREE

SCENE A

CUT TO:
EXT. STREET—EARLY MORNING

Elaine is walking on the sidewalk sipping from a cup of coffee. A morbidly obese man holding a hotdog in each hand approaches from the opposite direction.

ELAINE
                         (SOFTLY) You've got to be kidding me. . . How does someone even get to that point?

The man turns to Elaine as she passes and gives her an unpleasant look. She continues to watch the man. 

                         And now he's staring at me, like I'm the freak!

Elaine has become a think-out-louder due to her exposure to the man at the hospital.

A couple wearing loud outfits leans against a building. Elaine stares at them as she approaches.


ELAINE
                          (SOFTLY) What have we here? I don't understand what some people are thinking. It's one
                         thing wearing that at home, but to actually walk outside where other people can see you?
                         Even wearing it at home is probably too much. . .  Why buy it at all? Look how smug they
                         look. I wonder where they're going. They're acting like they're posing for a photo shoot.
                         Maybe that's it. Maybe there's a camera somewhere and I can't see it. Maybe this is a
                         prank and I'm on television. That's gotta be it. There's really no other explanation for
                         what I'm seeing right now. 

The couple look at each other while Elaine's inner monologue is unleashed. 


SCENE B


CUT TO:
EXT. HOSPITAL—ESTABLISHING SHOT—MORNING

CUT TO:
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM

George and Newman are enjoying themselves. They're both all smiles, greedily eating chocolate pudding and watching television. George is singing along to some theme song or commercial. Pudding adorns his mouth and chin. Newman looks over at him contemptuously. 

NEWMAN
                         You know George, I think your time here is about up.

GEORGE
                         (CONCERNED) What do you mean?

NEWMAN
                         You've had your share of fun, but frankly, I can't stand having you around anymore.
                         (GLEEFULLY) It's time to let the cat out of the bag.

GEORGE
                         (ALARMED) But we've had great times here!

NEWMAN
                         I know, George. But those times are long gone. And frankly, you're starting to get on my
                         nerves. (PAUSE) Why don't you go see if there is a vacant bed in Elaine's room?

GEORGE
                         Elaine's room? Elaine was released weeks ago!

NEWMAN
                         Well, I'm sorry, George. I can't help you. (PAUSE) Oh Nurse! It seems as if we have an
                         unwelcome guest! (SINISTER LAUGH)

George hops up, grabs his coat, and quickly runs out the door.


SCENE C

CUT TO:
EXT. STREET—DAY

Trees sway in the cool breeze. Bikers ride along leisurely. Elaine walks down the street.

ELAINE
                         (LOOKING AROUND) What a wonderful day. So peaceful.

In the distance, a school bus unloads children. A couple strolls by with a dog. They exchange "hellos" with Elaine. Far off, something strange can be heard. Elaine looks around, trying to make sense of it. It gets louder. The screams of a man interrupts the idyllic scene. It's George, still in hospital gown. He's running from something.  

ELAINE
                         (YELLING) George!? Is that you?

George stops. He looks her way, then runs towards her. 

GEORGE
                         (APPROACHING) You've got to hide me!  (LOOKS BACK)

ELAINE
                         (CONFUSED)  What!?

GEORGE
                         (PANICKED) Hide me! You've got to hide me! They're after me!

Children from the school bus begin to file past. 

ELAINE
                         (DISAPPROVING) Who's after you George, the children? (LOOKS GEORGE UP AND DOWN)
                         Oh—my—god! (PUTS HAND OVER MOUTH)


GEORGE
                         What? (PAUSE) What is it!?

George looks down and sees that his hospital gownwhich he absent-mindedly put on backwardsis flapping open in the breeze. The school children stop and point. Laughter ensues. More pointing. Some of the children place their hands over their mouths, others over their eyes. George, humiliated, covers up.
 

GEORGE
                         (TO ELAINE) What do they expect—it's cold!

In the background, hospital security guards run past. Hearing the laughter, they stop and look around. "There he is!" one of them shouts. They run in George and Elaine's direction.


ELAINE
                         (SOFTLY) Maybe if I just pretend I don't know him. . .

George takes off at full speed. Though he tries his best to hold it together, his gown flaps open as he flees. Two police officers nearby notice George and take pursuit. Within moments they tackle him, pinning him to the ground. 

GEORGE
                         (SCREAMING) Elaine! Help me! (PAUSE) ELAINE!

Elaine, mortified, slowly backs away.


SCENE D


CUT TO:
EXT. POLICE STATION—ESTABLISHING SHOT—LATER

CUT TO:
 INT. POLICE STATION

Elaine is sitting at a table. Before her sit two police officers, one of whom is jotting something down in a notepad. 

ELAINE
                         I don't even know what I'm doing here. I just want to get back home. My head hurts.
                         Boy, I'm starving!

POLICE OFFICER
                         Excuse me?

ELAINE
                         Oh, nothing.

POLICE OFFICER
                         So, have you ever known Mr. Costanza to exhibit this type of behavior before?

ELAINE
                         (THINKING) Well. . .

CUT TO:
FLASHBACK.

George is running across Yankee Stadium in a flesh-colored body suit ("The Millennium", S.08; Ep. 20). While this memory plays out, Elaine (VO) unconsciously mumbles a damning narrative to the police. Once finished, she recounts the time George "flashed" Jerry's girlfriend ("The Hamptons", S.05; Ep. 21). 

ELAINE
                         Nope. I can't recall him ever doing anything like this.

The officers glance at one another, confused. 

ELAINE
                         What? (PAUSE) What did I say?


SCENE E


CUT TO:
EXT. MENTAL INSTITUTION—ESTABLISHING SHOT—EVENING

CUT TO:
INT. MENTAL INSTITUTION.

Jerry is sitting at a small table wearing a white gown. He's playing cards with some of the patients à la "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest." He's enjoying himself and joking with the others (Danny DeVito, Christopher Lloyd, Brad Dourif?). A few lines from "Cuckoo's Nest" play out. 

The game is interrupted by increasingly loud shouts. The automatic doors open. Enter George, hauled in by two of the staff security. 

GEORGE
                         (STRUGGLING) I'm telling you, I'm not the flasher! This is all a big mistake! BIG MISTAKE!

Jerry looks on in astonishment. He shakes his head, then turns away so as not to be seen. He resumes the card game.

More screaming. Elaine is dragged in. 

ELAINE
                         (SHOUTING) There's nothing wrong with me! (SOFTLY) I am sooo hungry. (SHOUTING!) Let go!
                         (SOFTLY) My head itches. (SHOUTING) I've got to scratch my head!

JERRY
                         (TO THE SECURITY STAFF) What's with her?

SECURITY MAN (#1)
                         (DRAGGING HER AWAY) She's got some sort of multiple personality disorder. She keeps talking
                         to herself.

Jerry shakes his head, then resumes the card game. 

ELAINE
                         (TRYING TO TURN AROUND) Jerry, is that you? Jerry!?

George is now at the front desk being held by security. 

GEORGE
                         (STRUGGLING TO TURN AROUND) Jerry!? Is Jerry here?

Jerry slouches in his seat. He holds the playing cards over his face.  

More screaming. Kramer is wheeled in on a dolly. He has belts around his arms, torso, and ankles. 

KRAMER
                         I'm telling you the truth! I had an elephant, and she went crazy and started attacking people.
                         Then the clowns came, beat me up, and stole the rest of my peanuts!

SECURITY MAN (#2)
                         (WHEELING HIM TOWARDS FRONT DESK) Yeah, yeah.

Jerry stands up. 

JERRY
                         Well, I've had about all the fun I can take.

George and Elaine finally spot Jerry. Jerry walks over the to front desk. 

GEORGE
                         (ALARMED) Jerry! You've got to get me out of here!

Jerry stands at the front desk. He signs some papers.

                         What are you doing? (NO RESPONSE) Jerry!

ELAINE
                         (SHOUTING) Jerry! You have to talk to these people! They won't listen to anything I have to
                         say! (SOFTLY) And their breath stinks!

JERRY
                         I'm leaving. Sorry.

GEORGE
                         What!?

ELAINE
                         Jerry!

Kramer, facing the opposite direction, tries to turn around.

JERRY
                         (TO GEORGE AND ELAINE) I can check out. The three of you, evidently, cannot.

KRAMER
                         Jerry!

JERRY
                         (SARCASTIC) Do I know you?

KRAMER
                         (EXCITED) So you took my advice?

JERRY
                         I did. And now I'm going to get my things. I'm outta here.

A member of the staff wheels Kramer around to face Jerry.

KRAMER
                         How was it? What's it like here? Is it nice? (PAUSE) Wait. Why are you leaving!? Jerry!?

GEORGE
                         (TO JERRY) Don't leave us here like this! Please! They think I'm the park flasher.

JERRY
                         (TO GEORGE) Well, you've certainly been called worse things.

ELAINE
                         Jerry!

Jerry heads for a door. As he opens it, one of the staff members holding George exhales into his hand, testing his breath. George uses this moment to escape. He bolts towards the door Jerry is walking through. Exit Jerry and George. When the security guard takes chase, Kramer trips him with the tip of his foot.

CUT TO:
MENTAL HOSPITAL—HALLWAY

Jerry walks briskly down the hospital corridor. George follows.

GEORGE
                         Take me with you!

Jerry ignores him. They continue walking down the hall.

GEORGE
                         I'm begging you!

Jerry opens a glass door leading to another section of the hospital. George follows.

GEORGE
                         Jerry!

George hears a loud thud behind him. He turns around and sees the door smashed up against "Clint Eastwood's" face. George looks terrified.

He forgot to hold.

Closing credits over George's frozen face screaming for Jerry's help. 



THE END.

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